If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
