Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
