Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
