my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
