If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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