Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
