I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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