you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
