Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
