we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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