So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
