im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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