Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
