theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
