I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
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What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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