I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
