If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
