I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
