He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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