roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
