I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
is that a dick in a sweater?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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