Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
