I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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