At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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