OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
