I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
