Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
