I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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