I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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