dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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