My first STD was from a foam party
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
