someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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