i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
