So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
