it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
