wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
