I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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