Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
be right there i have to get my cape
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
