We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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