It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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