she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
