How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Ladies don't puke and tell
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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