70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
