she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
