Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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