The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize