Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
