i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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