Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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