i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
