Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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