Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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