I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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