My liver just broke up with me...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
