My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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