Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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