If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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