Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
