Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
