It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
